Tag Archives: Parenting

Traveling This Path + Going The Distance

Even though I am going to preface this post with some opening statements, I apologize in advance if it rubs you the wrong way.  This post is written with love in my heart for all the parents that are choosing to stay home with their children, and maybe still miss working sometimes.

Who this IS NOT directed at:
1.) If you are working outside of the home and you are happy with that choice.
2.) If you are working outside of the home and you are not happy with that choice.
3.) If you have to work outside of the home and you want to stay home.
4.) If you do not have to and do not want to work outside of the home, and are perfectly content staying home.

If 1-4 above apply to you, then you are at a different place than I am.  I have actually invited our students who would describe themselves as fitting into one of those categories to share their perspective, and I will be posting their thoughts as I receive them.

If you do fit into categories 1-4…then today’s post was not written with you in mind.  I wrote this to encourage primary caregivers who are home after leaving the workplace.  If this isn’t you, treat this post as the dish on the buffet line that you *do not* want to try, and peacefully move on to other things on the Internet that appeal to you.  Consider that there is no need to leave a flaming comment because I already recognize that I am not speaking to you.  We are on different paths, and I honor your journey, as I hope you will honor mine.

Image source: http://no-shame-in-my-game.tumblr.com/page/2

Image source: http://no-shame-in-my-game.tumblr.com/page/2

This post is written with a heart to encourage those of us who intentionally transitioned from the workplace to be stay-at-home parents.  Although that was our choice and we are usually at peace with it, sometimes we have moments, maybe a whole day (or longer…no judgment!), where we might wish otherwise:

Do you ever have days when you miss your old workplace?  Can you believe that you “gave it all up” to be at home with little people?  Do you, like me, sometimes have twinges of envy when you see friends and classmates receiving accolades and making announcements about how their career is pregressing?

If you have felt any of these things, I want you to know that you are not alone.  Although you made the choice to stay home with your child(ren), know that it doesn’t take away from the person that you are, and the person who was capable, probably even excellent, in the role you were in before you made the decision to stay home.  That person is still alive and well inside you; breathe that in for a moment.

For me, there are times when being “mom” felt so stifling and unfulfilling, especially when I saw/see other people my age doing things I wish I were doing.  Even though I believe in my heart of hearts that parenting intentionally is the greatest work in the world, it doesn’t mean I am happy in this place all the time.  We all have our moments.  I think the key is to ackowledge the feeling, and then rise above it by reminding ourselves why we made this commitment to our children in the first place.  

Parenting intentionally means that we recognize our children as whole human beings, no matter what age and body size they happen to be wearing at the time.  It means that we believe that responding to their needs will encourage their self-worth; by meeting them where they are, we are building a parent-child relationship founded in trust.  Trust that when they have needs, we will answer them.  Trust that we will not abandon them.  Trust that even when they are at a loss, they are still loved and that we will show up for them.  By showing them they are worthy, they learn that they are valuable and lovable. I believe they start to build a self-confidence that will be harder to erode as they get older and exposed to ideas and people outside of the family.

When we parent intentionally and choose to stay at home, that is a huge commitment of our time, what some might consider an intersection with most productive years of our lives.  I can’t tell you how worthy the work you are doing is going to be in the long run.  It is something you will have to trust: Parenting intentionally and staying home with our children is Worthwhile.  It is a Work. It is a long-term investment that will pay dividends years from now.  

Find your places to breathe, know that you are also worthy.  “Fill your cup”, as the saying goes, so that you can be present and loving with your children.  Recognize that parenting intentionally is meaningful work, and just as you took time to recharge after a long day in your old workplace, you still need to do that to be able to keep giving as a parent.  

At the same time, I encourage you to create a reciprocal relationship with your child(ren).  Parenting intentionally does not mean to give selflessly or to become a second-class citizen as you meet the needs of your child(ren).  Model a healthy relationship with your co-parent.  Show your family love in your words and your actions.  It is okay to tell them that you do things because you love them and you treasure them, instead of giving them the impression that you are a slave to their demands.

What about the days when you have reached the end of your patience? Use your words, even if you are telling them you are angry and you need a time out because you love them so much you don’t want to hurt them in your anger.  Convey your words in an Opera Voice, so maybe you will all end up laughing.  Chant “OM” to demonstrate that you are trying to find another breath.  Change your space, go for a walk, play with or in water…model for them all the ways to channel extreme emotion so that they can learn how to express themselves when they are feeling big emotions.

We are in a place where the dividends are starting to show now that they are older. We are beginning to see the results of the time we put into the relationship with them.  We hear it from their babysitters and adult instructors that they truly are exceptional little people who are a delight to be around.

Now that I am experiencing the people they are growing into, I am grateful I opted to stay home with them instead of going back to work or spending more time on (insert technology of choice here). The face time and attention you are giving them now will yield amazing, thoughtful, kind, independent human beings who are the future of the change we want to see in the world.

If you are a working parent and you have read this far down…yes, I know you are capable of raising equally thoughtful, kind, independent human beings…we have taken different paths to the same end.  I honor you for your choices and applaud you for being able to work and parent intentionally with the same fervor I have for the path I am traveling.

I guess what I am trying to say is that you are doing a great job with your kiddos, and try not to feel like you are missing out.  Our time with them is fleeting.  In the grand scheme of things, they will probably live well into their 70s, if not 80s or 90s.  We get about 18 years of that lifespan – make the most of it.  You will not regret it. 

Image source: http://www.susoutter.com/2014/01/what-kids-want-most-part-2.html

Image source: http://www.susoutter.com/2014/01/what-kids-want-most-part-2.html

By the same token, if there is really something in your heart, go for it!  Sometimes we have an all or nothing approach to life.  I have always wanted to get my PhD.  Because I pretty much blew off my first three years of college, I really have to hit the reset button and start over.  If I waited until the Sweet Pea Kids were grown up to do that, I would have another 14 years of pining and letting that desire eat away at me…I don’t need more reasons to envy others.  Instead, I have decided that it is doable and that I am okay with taking it slowly.  If I do one class per semester, then 14 years from now, I can take that “empty nest” time to write my dissertation, instead of starting the whole process from scratch.  

Image source: http://lifehacker.com/never-give-up-on-a-dream-just-because-of-the-time-it-1495765921

Image source: http://lifehacker.com/never-give-up-on-a-dream-just-because-of-the-time-it-1495765921

That happens to be my dream.  Do you have one?  If you know it, what small step can you do in the next day-week-month to start moving in that direection?

If you do not know what is going to feed your soul after your children claim their amazing lives thanks to the confidence and independence you have instilled in them, take some time to reflect on what that is so you can start making plans now.  You will need something to fulfill you; and one could make the argument that making them the whole center of your life is not necessarily healthy now, or in the long run, for either of you (musings about that HERE).

When we follow our dreams, we also have the opportunity to teach our children the beauty of discovering their gifts, and using them to fulfill themselves and help others.  Circling back to where we started, having our own treasure, our own burning desire, will make it easier to get through those days when we wonder what we were thinking as we look at the small tornado that is our home life that day.  

So own it.  Be the stay-at-home parent you want to be, live here and now with your child(ren).  Find what feeds your soul so that you can show up as a whole person for your family.  Enjoy your Sweet Peas, drink them in, encapsulate all these little moments.  Some day we will have all the time we thought we wanted, and our homes will be quiet, and we may miss all the chaos.  I believe we will reap a second harvest when our children fill it again with the love and laughter of the next generation being raised in love.

 

Tales from the Toddler Side: Tantrums

We have had a rough Spring as parents. Daddy Bruss and I have parented three children already; we’re thinking we have this parenting thing figured out…and along came Otter.  She is growing us again – literally since her Birth-Day we have had to be willing to learn other ways, because very little of what worked with our other children is working with her.

Her huge tantrums this Spring all started with a transition in our home.  We switched around the use of some rooms in our home, and she got her own room.  She was totally unsettled and she could not understand how she had her own room, and was still welcome in our room (we co-sleep). Moving her clothes out of our closet and into hers, and her toy box from our room to her room; those were especially challenging.

While transitioning, the hallways and the normally empty spaces are stacked high with boxes.  This was totally foreign to Otter – she is the type of kiddos that likes her structure.  This was a total mess within the walls of her safe place.

On top of that, there was a weekend when I was gone most of the day for a training workshop.  And if that wasn’t enough, her Daddy flew out and was gone for four days, one of which overlapped with the time I was gone.

Cue meltdown.  And another one. And another one after that.  At the height of tantrum season, she was having 2-4 meltdowns a day. We had a good six week stretch where we had some pretty long and interesting days.  “Struggle” is an understatement.  I felt like the worst mom in the world.  Almost everyday, I wondered how I going to keep it together when 25 pounds of toddler was breaking me down at every turn – nothing I did, or didn’t do, seemed to abate the tears and the tantrums.

It was pretty brutal.  She was hurting herself, and lashing out at me with pinching fingers and hitting hands.  The depth of our emotions surprised me.  I knew I loved my child, and then again, I felt such resentment for the places we were going emotionally.

I have worked so hard to find my Peaceful Mama and keep Crazy Mama at bay. It was **really** hard to take those deep breaths on the days when Crazy Toddler showed up instead of my sweet baby girl.

I struggled between giving in to her demands to stop the self-harm, and shutting myself down because I could not handle it anymore.  Truth be told, it was hard on all of us. There were days when the other Sweet Pea kids acted out because they saw that meltdowns got my attention and were a priority. It was akin to that metaphor of putting out fires and never getting ahead.

There was one particular moment that stands out in that whole stretch of time.  A little frame: at the same time that we are going through all this emotion as a family, I am also doing some work on identifying archetypal voices for a class I am taking. Out of the blue,during one of the interactions with Otter when she is hitting me, this message comes through to me loud and clear, “When you hit me, I feel like you don’t love me.”

BAM. Lightening moment. I fell to the floor in tears, realizing that my reaction to her hitting is coming from a deep place of feeling rejected and unloved as a child.

For the record, I was a child in an era when spanking was the accepted form of discipline, and I wasn’t abused.  It simply was the mainstream way to do things, and in all other ways I knew I was loved.  We always had a caring home environment, food, clothing, and lots of affection otherwise.

Recognizing what was being triggered inside of me as Otter was hitting me was a turning point. In my Adult, I can reason with the Child statement and write a new story: “My parents love me, they did the best with what they knew.  My child loves me, she is acting out of a place of feeling powerless-fear-hurt-anxiety-insert feeling here.”  Knowing and being able to inner-dialogue worked really well to shut down Crazy Mama when the hitting started, and bring in Peaceful Mama right from the start.

We are on the other side of this rough patch now, and that is such a relief.  We survived because first of all, Daddy Bruss came through in a big way and acted as the fire extinguisher when things got out of hand.  No matter the time of day, he would pop out of his home office and help bring the volume level down. We were also a united front – we both gave Otter the message that self-harm was not acceptable, and that we loved her too much to let her hurt herself.

I also got a much needed “day off” to reflect on what was happening, why it was happening, and what I could do as the mother, the nurturer, to help get our family through this season of tantrums.  Here are some of the things that came into focus that day:

  1. I took the time to think about each child’s love language, and wrote down ideas on how I could meet fill their love tank on a daily basis.
  2. I took to heart Dr. Laura’s advice that we are our child’s “North Star”.  When you have four children, finding time to interact with each one intentionally takes, well, intention. So I created a system to keep track of whose turn it is to get ‘private time” with Mommy and Daddy.  Then, actually using the system – that has been *huge*.
  3. I wrote down what I expected from myself as the mother, where I was conflicted, and some steps to bridge the gaps between wanting to be a guide for our children, and actually being the guide I know I can be for them.
  4. I committed to bringing back (for myself) more of the structure that I crave. If I start the day on my schedule, then I feel on top of my game, which in turn affects how I feel about my abilities, positively impacts my emotions, etc., and that facilitates a day with Peaceful Mama at the helm.
  5. I decided that we were only going to work together in our homeschool for 25 minute stretches at a time.  This gave all of us a break from each other, and we also found that there was more fun in each day.  It has worked so well, that this is going to be the standard for our homeschool days going forward.

The good news is that we are all still in one piece, and things are much better “for now”.  Here are some resources that helped me focus on what Otter needed from me as she was struggling through all the emotions she was feeling:

Dr. Harvey Karp
http://www.happiestbaby.com/learn-about-your-baby-toddler/faqs/#tht

Dr. Laura Markham
http://www.ahaparenting.com/blog/angry-child-triggers-parent-control-self
http://www.ahaparenting.com/ages-stages/toddlers/toddler-tantrums

MindBodyGreen
http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-18351/5-kid-friendly-yoga-poses-to-help-your-child-avoid-a-meltdown.html

Quote from Charlotte Mason
“Every day, children need something to love, something to do, and something to think about.”

How about you? Which ideas or words of wisdom have helped you survive a toddler tantrum?

Monday Musing: What is a better place?

THIS article by Anne Josephson started quite a conversation on my facebook feed.  I “shared” it to serve as an example of why I am happy with our choice to retreat from the world of public schooling and the pressure exerted by the parents of our children’s peers.

The article speaks to parents competing using the children as pawns, not the ills of competition itself, so let’s start with some quotes to clarify that position:

“I will no longer play the game of competitive parenting.”

“I am removing myself and by proxy my four children from the race. And by doing so, I am choosing to honor them for being exactly who they are: human beings in and of their own right, not proof of my worthiness… I am comforted by what one of the great philosophers, Lily Tomlin, said, “The problem with the rat race is, even if you win, you’re still a rat.”

So let’s replace the words “rat race” with “competitive parenting”. That turns the last sentence into,

“The problem with the competitive parenting is,
even if you win, you’re still a competitive parent.”

There is no reference to the child in that sentence, and I believe the point the author is trying to make is that parenting should be directed toward the child and for the child, not to improve the status or lend credibility to a parent who needs validation.  I feel like the article validated my belief that it is not fair, nor in the long run healthy, for me to push my children “to do” or “to be” because another child in their peer group is already doing that, or because I want them to be the first to achieve a milestone whether or not they are ready.

Through the course of the conversation, I got clarity about these ideas as they relate to our family:

    • Healthy competition can be a great thing, especially when it’s self-motivated.
    • I am by nature a competitive person – it has made me who I am today.
    • If they have it within them, I want that same internal drive to motivate our children, not our pressure.
    • If they are not competitive by nature, then I will step in and provide motivation apropos to the needs that drive their personality.
    • Finding my worth as person/parent through my child for the sake of being the first – the best – the only, etc., I will do my best to ensure that is not part of our family story.

How do you see your role as a parent?

I believe that my role as a parent is to prepare them to leave my side and succeed.  I am doing my best to equip them to deal with all the kindness and unkindness in the world on their own two feet.  They will absolutely know how to deal with people because we interact with people every day. When things go well we talk about it and when there are challenges we talk about how we could have done things differently, and will do them differently in the future.

As a parent-team, my husband and I check in with each other on a regular basis to evaluate how we are growing as a family and as individuals.  A big goal is to honor our children as individuals.  We want them to be free to be who they are, and we want to help them discover their individual gifts. We want them to have the knowledge, confidence and faith in themselves because they know they are loved and children of God.

As a parent, it behooves us to watch our children, observe their strengths, and build their character.  Parents need to think about what motivates them when it comes to pushing their children in a particular direction.  We should question if our motivation is to do it for them, or if we are pushing them to grow because our child has to be #1 or else you have failed as a parent.  The part that worries me is that they will begin to think they have failed us as our child.

I also believe that God chose us to teach/learn from each other.  I am open to and I want to learn the lessons are children are teaching us.  They are individuals, they have unique needs, and they are growing me as a person.  It is an honor and it is humbling to learn from them – they truly are sages trapped in the bodies of children.

In my case, I believe that if I strive to know them, love them, and guide them in their strengths while teaching them to love and respect their fellow man and leave the world better than they found it, I have succeeded. It has nothing to do with comparing them to their peers. It has to do with instilling the knowledge that they are loved, valued, and that they have something unique to contribute to the world.  In order to do that within a circle of love, I remove our children to protect them from the competition, the hatred and the bitterness in the world.

I also include our children to have them grow: through social interactions with people we trust and respect, classes that are of interest to them, attendance to a church that fits our beliefs and our values, and community service. As they grow and find their interests, we will also branch out and explore in the areas that are of their choosing.

What is the meaning of “service”?  To find that answer for my parenting philosophy, I turn to my faith: Jesus came to serve. In that sense, there will always be service in our family – whether it’s to our immediate family, our neighbor, to those less fortunate, or even service to the world we were gifted by taking care of it.

How do I define the world as better? By leaving it with more love – when I look at the New Testament, that’s what I get – LOVE. Simple. Love God; love one another. If I have shared love and others have grown because of that love, and if I teach our children to love and be better at loving than I am, then the world is better. In my little corner of the world, love is always the answer. Always.

Monday Musing: Mother’s Day

“There’s no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one.”

~Jill Churchill

Celebrating the day with our four children yesterday was amazing.  We are so blessed to have them in our lives.  I often marvel that I was chosen to be their mother – they are each of them teaching me lessons that I need to learn.  I thank God that he trusted me to grow them and nurture their souls, and pray that I don’t break them as I learn the lessons He sent with them!

I am also painfully aware that Mother’s Day might be hell on earth for other women: the women who have angels waiting in heaven from miscarriage, stillbirth or child loss, to those who’s hearts are heavy as they struggle with infertility, or because they never conceived and their childbearing days are over.  Maybe this is the first year without their own mother who has been called on to the next journey, or it is one of the successive years after the loss of their own mother that still carries a dull ache. 

For at least a month leading up to the event and for the whole second Sunday of May, every retailer, card company and television commercial is grinding salt into their wound.  I propose that it is up to us to mother these women – we can be the ones to love them, cherish them, listen to them, cry with them – just be with them without offering platitudes and trite words.   Make an effort and plan time with them – be available if they want to talk or share memories. Here are some places I go for word reminders when I am going to be “holding space” with them:

So how does the quote above tie-in? I am reminded once again that I have an incredible gift: four healthy, vibrant children that are very much alive.  I owe it to them to learn what makes them “tick”.  I owe it to them to put away my screens and literally face-time with them beyond doing our school-work together.  Hug them every day.  Look them in the eye every day.  Tell them they are loved, cherished and show them that they are respected every day.  Ask them what they want to do this week and make sure that the reasonable requests get planned and get done. The unreasonable requests present opportunities for creative play – something we can definitely do more. Since I am so list-driven, I lose sight of creative play – time to bring it back!

I will never be perfect – I can however, do my very best to be good to them and do good for them all throughout their day.

Monday Musing: Within These Walls

WorkInTheHome

Image credit https://www.facebook.com/childrensmovementFL

We have been under a lot of pressure at The Bowman House lately…the same things that probably add stress in your life…lots to do and not enough time, planning our budget, growing pains, work commitments…both Bruss and I noticed that the volume has been going up again.  We both value a gentle, peaceful house, and we have been making a pointed effort to be gentle parents despite the pressures we feel.

We had a presentation on babywearing for our Peas & Pods group last Friday.  One of the benefits of babywearing is that you learn to read your Sweet Pea – you learn their cues, their body language, their facial expressions.  Conversely, your Sweet Pea learns to read you.

As I have been close to losing my cool lately, Otter (our 2yo) has been the first to say, “Mommy, take a deep breath.”  The first time she said it, it actually took my breath away and I asked Daddy Bruss if he had heard the same thing I had heard.  She had seen my face and could tell I was stressed.

The other thing that she does is help me to make a joke.  Before I lost my cool, one of my tricks is to ask the kiddos, “You don’t want to see my angry face, right?” To which they answer, “Yes we do, Mommy!”  Then, I proceed to make an angry, growly face with some sound effects and it diffuses the tension as we all burst into peals of laughter as everyone else starts making angry faces and growling.  Once we are in a good space, we can talk about what was happening and solve problems with Peaceful Mama.

Again, over the weekend, Otter was pre-empting me…she’d ask me, “Mommy, are you angry?”, or she would ask me to make my angry face, just as she could see that I was hitting a breaking point.

I think one of of my favorite things about attachment parenting is the give and take as your children come into their own.  As much as I love to teach and nurture our children, it is so amazing to learn from and be nurtured by them.

We can directly influence the tone within the walls of our home.  We can choose do the mental and emotional work it takes to be in a good space so that we can be gentle in spite of the pressures.  So while attachment parenting certainly takes more time than the cause-and-effect approach, it is proving to be SO SO worth it.

Parenting Forward: Reflections One Year Later

I wrote THIS a year ago – here is an excerpt:

I had the incredible realization yesterday that no matter what I do to “be better than”, my children are going to have something to say about it – and not necessarily good things!  I decided yesterday that beyond forgiving her, I have to stop trying to “be better than”.

The only thing I can *do* as a parent is listen to my children and do what it is best for them.  Parenting has to look forward, not backward.  What is my child’s personality?  What do they need from me:  Time? Touch? Kind words?

Instead of trying to be a better mother than my predecessors, I have to focus on being the best mother for the child in front of me.  I can’t do “one size fits all” mothering – it has to be individual, personal and invested in them.  That old saying “it’s not about you” is so poignantly true here.

Parenting is not about our past and us.  It is about our children and their future.

So, I am still working on forgiveness and my perceived shortcomings in how I was parented.  I am happy to say I feel like I have completely let go of being “better than” other parents from my past and those that are around me.  I embrace the fact that each of my children is an individual and needs me in a different way than their sibling may or may not be wanting to connect with me.

Things that I try to honor in each of them:
  • Their love language
  • Their space – each one has different touch and proximity needs
  • Making time for each one every day, even if it’s just 5-10 minutes of time with them without their siblings around to get on the floor and play, snuggle, or read a book.
  • Making sure they hear me say, “I love you and that love for you will never diminish” and making time to give each one a long hug every day.
  • Their need to see their dad and I in a healthy, safe relationship – as much as we can, we try to use humor and not talk unkindly even if we are in disagreement.

Parenting is definitely one of the biggest challenges I have faced as a human being.  The responsibility to love, nurture and create healthy, confident, thoughtful, empathetic human beings that will do good in the world because they want to is a big job.  I pray that I am up for it and that at the end of my life, my children can at least know that they were loved and cherished in spite of my imperfect parenting.

Monday Musings: Moving Past Anger

Sqaure A+E
We hosted a bonus class for Bradley students to meet our chiropractor on Saturday. Since our lives have been immeasurably enriched since we started chiropractic care. we invite him to share the benefits of chiropractic care with our students. As a Bradley™ dad, he also has some amazing tips on coaching back labor. Since they involve physical manipulation of the sacrum, we leave that info to the professional!

And then – the reason why he is a “bonus class”. He is a wealth of information on all things parenting and life. On this visit, he really stressed the importance of emotional health and well-being in the partnership before the baby arrives to have a better birth experience. He also shared that the stress level of the caregiver affects the immune health of the child.

As we seek to improve interpersonal communication, recognize that anger is unmet expectation.

Simple. It is not about you. It doesn’t need to spiral.

“You had an expectation – what did you want to happen?”

Whether you ask it of yourself, your partner, your child, or whoever it is that is angry, you have inserted a place for a breath. The answer to that question is something we can do something about. Or maybe it the start of a conversation than is long overdue.  Be it an action or a dialogue, maybe both, steps can be taken that remove the anger and restore the peace.

I am so looking forward to this new tool in our communication toolbox!

Do you think this could work for you?
If you already  have a “breathing space” question(s), what  works for you?

Thoughtful Thursday: Taking Time

As you may have gathered if you have been following the blog for a while, our AZ Sweet Pea Family consists of four children.  Our holiday calendar is as full as yours probably is.  How do we make time to connect with each child individually through this busy season?

There is only one way:  take the time.  There is no such thing as “extra time” when it’s a regular time of year, even less so during the holiday season.

The first suggestion is a freebie: share a hug with your children every day.  Not just a little pat on the back.  I mean the kind of hug you have to be grounded for so you are not knocked down.  Then look them in the eye, tell them that you love some, and maybe even something you appreciate about them or noticed that they are doing well today.  It is not a lot, however, that moment of connection every day can be enough to keep everyone connected when you are all pulled in many directions.

I would go far as to suggest that it would be a great idea to do the same with your partner.  One of the hallmarks of giving is spending.  The kind of spending that goes on around these particular holidays can be very stressful on a couple with the best of relationships.  So, also take time every day to connect with your best friend, and keep the lines of communication open.

The next five suggestions can take as much or as little out of your wallet as you deem appropriate.

Shopping date – One of the ways we make time to connect with each Sweet Pea individually is to take them out to shop for their siblings.  We get to talk about the family, evaluate what a good gift is for that particular person, encourage giving, and talk about a budget all while enjoying time with one kiddo.

Craft date – Another way to carve out individual time or family time is to craft together.  You can take a trip to the craft store to pick their craft, and then take time to make it together – even a few minutes a day.  You could pick a craft to decorate the house, to use as gifts, or just something fun to use as a stress relief through the season.  Some toddler friendly crafts if you are going for a family craft night are projects that involve glue with pom poms or buttons, stickers, or markers (think the wood crafts that come with the pens).

BLOG ThtThurs

Holiday Cards – These are a fun project – add in some popcorn and hot chocolate to enjoy after the project is complete for holiday bliss!!  Taking an evening to sit around the table together to sign cards (with actual names or their drawings if they aren’t writing yet), decorate the envelopes with stickers, affix the address labels (if you use them) stick the stamps on the corner over the “x marks the spot” – there are lots of ways to make an assembly line and involve all the Sweet Peas.  They may not be the prettiest cards you have ever sent, however, they will definitely stand out from all the “perfect” cards, and be an awesome memory for your children that they will look forward to next year.

Holiday Event Date – We are so lucky in the Phoenix area that we have lots of Nutcracker productions to choose from.  This year, I took the older Sweet Peas to the Ballet Arizona production (because I *love* the ballet), and it was a treat for them to get out for their own “Big Kid” night.  Conversely, we take the littles out for a Mommy/Daddy date during the day when the nanny is there to watch over the older Sweet Peas.  It is a so easy to go out with two kiddos at a time – overall time spent getting in the car/traveling is less and we get a lot more face time with the set we are with.  We also do “girl trips” and “boy trips” – lots of ways to combine them for a 1-to-2 outing 🙂

Party Date – Another way to take pressure off the season is to only attend parties with the non-nappers.  That way you don’t have to wait for nap times, you don’t have to worry (as much) about meltdowns, and again, you get one-on-one or less-on-one time to talk in the car and listen to them as you drive.

I would love to hear what you do to carve out time to spend with your little Sweet Peas throughout the busy holiday season.

Monday Musings: Living Gentle

This is one of Cassandra’s favorite quotes that she shared with me over the weekend.  As it turns out, it is exactly what I needed today.  We have a second child down with a crazy fever.  Lying in bed with her today, cradling, nursing…when I had fun art projects planned, writing and posting to do…ugh.

This sense of UGH could have permeated our whole day if I had let it.  Instead, I am just breathing.  Breathing before I speak.  Breathing before I write.  Breathing as our nursling latches again.

And so far, so good.  I have caught myself a couple of times and changed my tone.  I chose to be flexible and simply set-up the art project without participating.  The work that resulted was great…one more confirmation that letting our children think and create for themselves is a great thing!

So, on this day that could have been full of the side effects of my disappointment, the kiddos have had a pretty decent day.  Puma made nutritious smoothies that also turned into popsicles, the only thing Otter has eaten today, besides chocolate chips.  Now Puma and Coach Bruss are making chocolate chip cookies (which was supposed to be “our” thing), and it will probably turn into the second thing Otter eats – LOL.  I can hope that we can all look at today and learn that gentleness and self-control are possible, even when things don’t go according to plan.

The silver lining?  Thank goodness that Otter is still nursing.  She is refusing ibuprofen and most food, so skin-to-skin, liquid food is just what our toddler needs right now.  Everything else has gone on, the world is not going to end because I didn’t get to do what I had planned today…nourishing and nursing this sweet pea back to health is definitely the best choice I could make for today.

Thank you, Parenting Wild Things, for the great mantra and the beautiful image.  HERE is a link to the post that featured this image.

Monday Musings: Trust that you know

There are so many books about raising your child(ren).  There are so many experts with an idea, a book, a product to sell you that is going to solve all your childcare woes.

Except they are missing one thing.  They are missing what you know.  You, that may have carried your child for nine months.  Their DNA resides in your brain – you are literally connected to them.  If you are an adoptive family, there is still a connection that comes from living with your child.  With no preconditions or bias, you are open to receive the information that they offer about themselves.  You Know Them.

You know what you know.  Listen to what your heart is telling you.

  • Does your child fall asleep nursing?  Do you both get to sleep that way?
  • Does your child like to sleep next to you?  Can you find a safe sleeping situation so that you can stay close?
  • Does your child like to be held?  Can you find a great wrap that let’s you hold them and still tackle your List for the day?
  • Does your child leave food on their plate?  Are they developing and achieving growth milestones? And have you considered that maybe you are serving too much food?
  • Is your child refusing a certain food? Have you considered that maybe they have a food allergy and they are not being defiant or playing games?

From sleep, to feeding, to schooling, to play…everyone has an opinion.  I am going to write more about infant sleep tomorrow…these are just some thoughts that are rumbling around in my head as I research for that post.  It is so important for us as parents to Know That We Know Our Children.  No book, idea, or product has a sure-proof guarantee that it is the right thing to pursue with your child.  Only you can know that, and sometimes after trial and error.

I love the idea that I learned in La Leche League…treat all information sharing as a buffet…take what appeals to you/ works for you, and leave the rest.  Trust your instinct, love your child, and make the choices that you know are right for your family.  When you make a decision from a place of love, it is pretty hard to go wrong.