Tag Archives: natural mothering

Spanking: Not an option

Spanking.

If you told my 25-year-old self that I would be totally opposed to spanking when I became a mother, that Krystyna would have scoffed at you. What could be wrong with it? Kids need discipline from time to time, and spanking definitely yields results. I was spanked, and I turned out ok. Right?!?

Enter the voice of a wise woman I worked with – one sentence started to shift my perspective on the whole spanking thing. I commented on how lovely her children were to be around, and asked about her parenting style. I was shocked to hear that she didn’t spank them; I just assumed all well-behaved children had been paddled into submission. As it turns out, this mama believed in and practiced gentle parenting, even though I didn’t know the term at the time.

Q: “You have never spanked them?”
A: “Never – spanking is a big person hitting a little person – nothing makes sense about that.”

Wait…WHAT did she just say?

The decision not to spank was sealed when I gave birth to Puma. As I held her in my arms that very first hour, I knew that hitting her on purpose, with intention to punish or discipline, was not going to be an option.

And so started the mental shift from considering spanking an acceptable form of discipline, to striving to find as many other natural consequences and gentle parenting techniques as possible.

Here are two of my favorite quotes from L.R. Knost:

LRKnost ChildishLRKnost Meltdown2

Childish behavior is normal…for children. <3 http://t.co/T8goym3P6Z
Posted by L.R.Knost – Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources on Sunday, March 15, 2015

Let’s practice what we preach. <3 http://www.littleheartsbooks.com/
Posted by L.R.Knost – Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources on Thursday, July 17, 2014

5 Gentle Parenting Go-Tos

Parenting with intention is easy when our cups are full and we are rested.  Realistically, how many of those days we *actually* have depends on the season we are in as a family.  Do you need resources to help stay gentle? Here are some websites that have been helpful to me, and other students in our SPB community:

Aha! Parenting
http://www.ahaparenting.com
“Are you looking for that Aha! Moment to transform your child’s behavior, or maybe your own?
Whether you’re wondering how to handle a specific challenge, just figuring out your child-raising approach, or ready to tear your hair out, you’ve come to the right place.
You know what an Aha! Moment is, right?
With our child, it’s that lightning flash of insight, when suddenly we see things from another perspective, and everything has the potential to be different. This website has Aha! moments for parents of every age child, from pregnancy right through the teen years.”

Janet Lansbury
http://www.janetlansbury.com/
“Raising a child is one the most important and challenging jobs we will ever have. It brings a considerable amount of joy. It can also be confusing, discouraging and haphazard. My goal is to provide clarity, inspiration (and maybe a smile or two) by sharing insights I’ve gained through my parenting classes, my experiences as a mother, and studies with my friend and mentor Magda Gerber. This blog is dedicated to her memory.”

L.R. Knost
www.littleheartsbooks.com
“Sharing gentle parenting tips, articles, and research with parents who want to learn how to connect with their little ones instead of just correcting them. Connect to correct—>gentle, effective, empathetic parenting—>happy, confident, well-mannered children—>joyful, peaceful homes filled with love and laughter.”

Nurshable
http://nurshable.com/
“I publish a variety of things here. Letters to my children explaining different parenting choices that I/we make. Information about breastfeeding, attachment parenting babywearing and other topics that fall into the category of “gentle parenting”, and whatever comes to mind.”

Positive Discipline
http://blog.positivediscipline.com/
“Positive Discipline is a program based on the work of Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs and designed to teach young people to become responsible, respectful and resourceful members of their communities. Based on the best selling Positive Discipline books by Dr. Jane Nelsen, it teaches important social and life skills in a manner that is deeply respectful and encouraging for both children and adults (including parents, teachers, childcare providers, youth workers, and others).”

Gentle parenting is definitely a lifestyle choice – it invites me to be my best self so that I am available to be the parent I want to be for my children. Another great reminder from L.R. Knost:

LRKnost Breathe
Posted by L.R.Knost – Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources on Friday, April 10, 2015

I hope you find the inspiration you need from these wise parents. Choosing to breathe is not necessarily instinctive or easy. It is however, so, so worth it. The parent-child bond is so precious, and they are with us for such a short amount of time in their lifespan. Gentle parenting helps me make the most of that time, and truly treasure our children as the amazing teachers and human beings that they are.

P.S. Huge thanks to our SPB community that inspired this post <3

I’m human, and the struggle is real some days!! HERE is an anecdote about our season of toddler tantrums with Otter – it took a lot of deep breaths to be peaceful those days!!

Carnival of Natural Mothering: What I Wish I Knew

We are excited to participate in this month’s Carnival of Natural Mothering from Growing Slower!

What You Wish You Knew

Remember when you got your first positive pregnancy test? What do you wish that woman knew? Write a letter of love and encouragement to that awesome mama just starting her journey.

Read more at http://www.growingslower.com/p/carnival-of-natural-mothering.html#BLyjPcmFfALHIW9e.99

Carnival-Button-1

I found out I was pregnant one Friday after a long week of work and travel, I was so tired at my desk late that afternoon that I called my husband to come drive me home – I honestly thought I might fall asleep at the wheel because my eyelids were so heavy. I was wearing a long, loose, beach-y tunic with tights that day because I felt so bloated… I did not have even the slightest idea that I may be with child.

It was June 17th, 2011 and one trip to the bathroom, pee stick in hand, dramatically changed the course of that evening and every single day since. I was going to write a generic letter to any/all mamas that had just received that positive test but the real love and encouragement comes from addressing the very specific things I have experienced and/or struggled with throughout my journey, maybe some of you have or will encounter similar and can find a little solidarity that I was once there too, and came out the other side better than I could have imagined.

what I wish I knew

Dear Cassandra,

You will wake up tomorrow and the next day and the next day and the next day for many, many weeks and not believe or feel you are pregnant, don’t worry, really don’t, you are. You are and you will stay that way, pregnant, and then really pregnant until the very end. You do not have to worry about what is beyond your control, you are doing everything you can to stay healthy and happy and that is all that really matters. You will take great care of yourself and subsequently the baby growing inside of you during this journey that is pregnancy, no matter how other people make you feel: other women that have come before you, people at work, anyone, it is so very important. You will be extrememly grateful for every moment you spent stretching, every chiropractic appointment, every massage, every walk, every herbal tea, every green drink concoction, every yoga class, heck even every pedicure, when you naturally deliver a healthy baby that continues to grow into a very healthy child, while simultaneously taking up all of your time and energy leaving self care a distant, but fond memory 🙂

You will be in amazement the entire process, just because millions(?) of women have grown and birthed babies before you do not let it take away from how utterly miraculous the entire process is. You will think about pregnancy and birth 100% of the time, it is a lot, but do not fret. You will be prepared, prepared for birth yes, prepared for motherhood, no. There is nothing you could have done differently though, it truly is something that you can never be prepared for. It is instant and it is permanent, you will often feel like you are barely hanging on, but it will pass, and then return – it is one heck of a roller coaster that is for sure.

Adding a human being to your family who is entirely dependent on you every second he is not asleep (which in his case will not be often) is not like you imagine. It will be more exhausting, more demanding, more physically and emotionally draining, more trying, and more compromising then you can even wrap your brain around at this point. You will hate everyone who says that being a parent is hard, but SO WONDERFUL, you will feel lied to and you will feel frustrated with yourself for rushing into something you could not have second thoughts about. You will be mad that all you want is time alone but then do not enjoy it because being away from your baby makes you uneasy, you will be more tired than you could ever imagine yet unable to fall asleep because there is a small but heavy head cutting off the circulation to your arm that you would rather let lose blood flow permanently than move it and risk waking up the baby. You will wait for things; your body, your life, to feel “normal” again and constantly wonder how you missed the memo that once a baby comes out of your lady parts they are forever changed.  You will become a night owl, your body and brain will literally adapt to the fact that if you want to get anything done it will have to take place between the hours of 10PM-1AM. You will cry, a lot. And then cry some more and some days you will wake up and cry because all you want to do is go to the bathroom and brush your teeth by yourself. And then you will spend the first night away from your child, and you will wake up in the morning and cry because you miss him, and then cry harder because you don’t want to cry, you want to enjoy yourself gosh darn it and now you’re crying!

You will know that becoming a mother made you 6,567,943 times better as a person, you will know you would not be where you are today without embarking on this journey, you will know that every thing happens exactly as it should – but it will still be hard, too hard, and some days you will wonder how you can possibly live another day with no sleep, no alone time with your husband, carrying 25 pounds on a hip that definitely notices it, cleaning someone’s else’s extremely smelly poop, pushing a Cozy Coupe around the block 13 times and literally not having 10 seconds to drink water before it was seized by miniature hands and dumped on the floor.

You will wait to forget what it was like to stay out all night with your husband and how amazing all day Netflix marathons on the couch are, you will hope that the sadness you feel when you see a person reading in a coffee shop or while admiring someone’s nice, unwrinkled, unsoiled, new clothes won’t always be there. You will wonder why it is taking you longer than everyone else to use words like awesome, amazing, wonderful, joyful, and rewarding in relation to parenting.

You will know deep down that having a young child IS difficult no matter what, but that it is also temporary, a fleeting memory in the entire journey of parenthood and you will remind yourself of this, but it will not always help.

There will be times when you feel like you are losing, losing your mind, losing at marriage, losing at life.

You will wonder when you will ever be able to “do” anything ever again, and if there is re-emergence from the crazy, dirty, messy, chaos of your current daily survival called motherhood. And then one day, one day far away yet so close, you will realize you have in fact, surfaced.

You will make dinner multiple nights in a row, your son will be happy to spend hours with babysitters, you will be working again and able to feel good about getting yourself a few things just for you that you need/want, someone will say to you & Eric that you look young and in love, and when you tell your son that you’re going to put on makeup and do your hair in the bathroom and he can play with his kitchen/tools/legos in the playroom until you are done he will nod and *gasp* do it.

And the moment will come, the moment you are at the ocean’s edge on a beautiful day standing with your husband seeing your now toddler intently watching and listening to the waves crash, smiling and laughing profusely when some ocean spray gets his leg, running wildly, entirely carefree and lavishly happy that you will know that this moment would be nothing without him. Your capacity to feel the love, gratitude, overwhelming joy, happiness, reward and peace right then would not exist if he did not. His hugs, his kisses, his laughter, his stories, witnessing his connections with others,  they make life something it would not be otherwise.

Everyone’s children are different and therefore everyone’s experience of parenthood is vastly different. You may never not miss how much time you used to spend on yourself or with your husband, it may take you longer than the “norm” to describe parenthood as joyful and awesome, but you will arrive. You will take your son somewhere just for him, class, the park, the aquarium, a play date at least once everyday during the week, you will squeeze in emails during walks and work into the night, you will shop for healthy food and even if you don’t make dinner every night health will always be a priority for your family. You will share information, clothes, and baby gear with other mamas, make dishes for new families, get dressed up for work dinners despite a small person hanging on your leg, your hair will almost always be messy and your house even messier but you will be so happy. There will be shiny days, and hard days, days that fly by and days that drag on and you won’t be happy all day every day, but you will be happy every day. And most of all you will be grateful, grateful for the profound experience that is parenthood, grateful for the opportunity to grow and change into a mother and person that you are very proud of. Be easy on yourself, each day is a new opportunity to do better and be happier than the day before <3

Love & Mothering,

Cassandra, March 2014 

Tuesday Tip: Living Green in ’14



Welcome to the December 2013 Carnival of Natural Mothering!

This article is a part of the Carnival of Natural Mothering hosted by GrowingSlower, Every Breath I Take, I Thought I Knew Mama, African Babies Don’t Cry, and Adventures of Captain Destructo. This month’s topic is Natural New Year’s Resolutions. Be sure to check out all of the participants’ posts through the links at the bottom of this page.
Bloggers, visit GrowingSlower to sign up to write for next month’s carnival.

 

December 2013 prompt:
Natural New Year’s Resolutions ~ We will all soon hear people around us resolving to change in the new year. But, one of the keys to natural living is to appreciate that we don’t need a new year for a fresh start. Each day, we have the chance to make better choice and form healthier habits. In December, we want to hear about your natural resolutions, regardless of the time of year you decided to change. Tell us your success stories (e.g., you reduced your family’s exposure to GMO’s), your future plans (e.g., you are going to work to stop yelling) or even about how you embrace each day’s potential for building new habits.

Our step onto the path of natural living started when we discovered one of our children was very sensitive to strong scents and perfumes – bye-bye conventional cleaners, scented lotions, and perfumed products.  Only later did we learn what a huge step that was.*

Next, we discovered he was allergic to the “easy” ingredients that are readily found in processed foods.  He cannot have wheat, eggs, soy, peanuts or hazelnuts.  That pretty much cut out the center of the grocery store for us.

The last event that cemented our commitment to more natural living was a day when I decided to read the labels on our personal care products that were labeled “natural”, and compare them to the EWG’s toxin list.  They were not even close to being as natural as they claimed to be.

The key to our shift in living and purchasing was doing one thing at a time.  If all those things had happened at once, I think I may have crawled into a hole and never come out.  That was not an option, though – it hardly ever is.  Even if you don’t have a child’s needs motivating you to make a change, you can make a list of all the things you want to change for your family.  Then prioritize it, and take one thing at a time.

We started by shifting to the Clorox Green Works line of cleaners (stay with me!), and giving or throwing away all my perfume and lotions. Then we started learning about gluten-free and egg-free eating.  It became easier as I realized that there were still over 2000+ foods he could eat – I just needed to shift my perception.  Since soy needs to be out, too, it cuts out a lot of the food in the gluten-free aisle as well.  Soy lecithin is a popular, inexpensive ingredient across the grocery store aisles.  Hence, the commitment to whole food eating was cemented.  You can’t find chemical additives or preservatives in fresh fruits and vegetables!  You do have to be aware of pesticides – that inspired our commitment to know our sources.

Then started the search for personal care products that were “safe”.  We started by asking our “crunchy” family and friends what they used.  If they made the EWG “cut”, we tried out their favorites to see how they fit our family.  If not, we kept looking.   Hours were spent reading every label on every product labeled “natural” in the natural stores to see what we were going to allow into our home.

Looking around on the EWG site, I also discovered their cleaning guide.  The cleaners that I thought were “green” were tossed out!  We started making our own cleaners.  Little by little, we have been lobbying our cleaning lady to make the switch to our home-made cleaners that use vinegar, hydrogen peroxide, lemon juice, baking soda, and castile soap.  She is coming around.  There is a compromise because I don’t want to lose her help cleaning for our active family of six!

We continue to take baby steps every day.  As we learn more about organic foods, we are growing our own, shopping the farmer’s market, and choosing organic over conventional when it makes sense.  We wash all our produce with baking soda and rinse it longer than we used to.  We take time to cut our own fruits and vegetables for snacks instead of buying packages of gluten-free crackers or pretzels.  We shop local for breads that are made at a gluten-free bakery.  We have found that knowing the source and shopping local is one of the best ways to ensure we are staying true to our commitment to live green.

How does it work in real life?

  • We take time to pour our own water in stainless steel water bottles instead of buying plastic containers on the road.  Each kiddo is in charge of their own bottle in the morning, or sometimes Night Owl surprises us all and has them filled before we need to get going.
  • We always keep fresh fruit and vegetables in the house.  Costco is carrying organic, or we buy from the organic section at Sprouts, or we hit the farmer’s market.
  • We pre-cut fruits and veggies for the week and leave them in containers for the Sweet Peas to help themselves.
  • We grow our own greens – it is amazing what your children will eat if they have had a part in growing it!  Look into hydroponics or a Tower Garden (aeroponics) if you want to grow year round.
  • We make our own juice – KitchenAid has a juice attachment for juicing citrus, or we use our juicer for apples, strawberries, and carrots for the Sweet Peas.
  • We make water infusions to add variety – our faves are lemon-cucumber water, strawberry-basil water, and orange-basil water.  There are so many things you can add to water at night that yield a yummy flavor in the morning.  Go for it – come up with your own family favorites.
  • We travel with a cooler and ice packs for our snacks.  Our favorite road snacks are cut fruit, carrot sticks, hummus, cheese and crackers.  We also buy dehydrated strawberries from Trader Joe’s for road tripping – fresh strawberries can be messy!
  • We have reusable wipes instead of disposable.  They wash right along with our diaper wraps.
  • We have made the switch to un-paper towels.  Even though we can’t use them in the microwave to warm food, we can use them for everything else.  The amount we have cut back on paper towels is astounding.  We have gone from using 2-3 rolls per week to about one-two per month.  We buy ours from Shannon’s Cloth and More.
  • Personal care products: we use Dr. Bronner castile soaps, Earth Mama Angel Baby products for the Sweet Peas (and I love their Angel Baby lotion!), and Puma and I like the Whole Foods 365 line for shampoo and conditioner (she likes citrus, I use mint).  I am not 100% happy that they use soy…there is a little trade-off for a product that cleans our long hair without drying it out or leaving it greasy and stringy.  We recently discovered a local product to replace shaving cream – check out Zoaps !

The next area on my list to “green” is our children’s toys and clothing.  I am slowly finding more organic fabrics to choose from.  We are being more mindful about buying less plastic and more wood, even though to be honest, the holiday season is grinding me…our boys love the plastic!!  To that end, I ordered a modular castle I think they will love from Manzanita Kids.

If you want to resolve to Live Green in ‘14, I encourage you to go for it!  Start with the area that is the most important to you, and just start by changing one thing.  You can change one thing!  Once you do it, and prove to yourself that you can change one thing, pick a new thing.  Little by little, one change at a time, you are living greener than you were yesterday.  By simply choosing one change per month, that will be 12 greener choices over the course of the year.  The great news is you can start your journey to Be Green anytime – any day can be the day you make a choice to do one thing for better health.

* There are thousands of unregulated chemicals being used in the cleaning and cosmetics industry because they are not “food” or “medicine” (click HERE for more info on the cleaning industry, and HERE and HERE if you are ready to start “greening” your personal care products).