Author Archives: krystynabowman@gmail.com

Willow Wish Hosts Annual Food Drive

I have had the honor of serving with Willow Wish since 2016. I am so excited for our annual “Christmas In July” Event! This year we are expanding to help more of our Arizona neighbor’s with a Food, Toy and Clothing Drive. With your help we can make a real difference for the families served by Matthew’s Crossing Food Bank and Helen’s Hope Chest.

We are collecting donations of non-perishable food, gently used clothing, or new toys that can be used for the Helen’s Hope Chest Annual Christmas Party. Please consider adding one extra item to your weekly shopping trip, or use our event as encouragement to clean out the closets of unused clothing.

Most Needed Items:

How You Can Help

We have several ways to support the “Christmas In July” Food, Toy and Clothing Drive. Thank you in advance for anything you can do to help us get the word out and have a successful event!

Share Posts And Images
We have a flier ready to go, and we will be creating images every week to share on social media.  If you have an active social media account and/or a newsletter or email platform that you use, please send us a note to request images you can share with your friends and followers.

Send an email to request images: hello@willowwish.org

RSVP On Facebook
Are you able to bring a donation the day of the event?  Whether you have a personal donation or a collection box from your business, let us know so we can plan for the goody bags we will be giving away the day of the event. 

RSVP HERE

Volunteer At Event
There are two shifts available if you are in town the day of the event and want to lend your hands at the sorting table.  We will have all the community boxes to sort as well as any donations that we receive the day of the event.  

Click HERE if you can volunteer at the event – thank you in advance for the gift of your time!

Help Us Promote Your Business or Community
Do you want to host an Event Collection Box? Let us know on the 2023 Promotion Form.  Host locations will be shared throughout the month of July on social media.

In addition, we will be preparing Gratitude Bags to give away to all the donors that come the day of the event.  We are happy to share your product samples or coupons.  We are also accepting ads and articles for our annual CHERISH publication.  Let us know if we can promote you the day of the event!

Click HERE for our 2023 Promotion Form.

Make A Monetary Donation
We get it – life is busy and we cannot do it all.  If our goal to help more families in Arizona through Matthew’s Crossing Food Bank and Helen’s Hope Chest (support for foster and kinship families) speaks to you and you want to help, you can make a donation through our Christmas in July Fundraiser.  All monies received will be split equally between both nonprofit organizations.  You will receive a receipt for your tax-deductible donation – we thank you for your support!

Click HERE to make a donation through our giving platform.

VIsit A Local Host To Drop Off A Donation
We already have a running list of businesses hosting collection boxes across the valley. You can make a donation during their business hours and/or if you are attending an event in their space. We welcome donations of non-perishable food, gently used clothing, or new toys that can be used for the Helen’s Hope Chest Annual Christmas Party.

About our beneficiaries:

Matthew’s Crossing Food Bank Did you know 1 in 4 children in Arizona will go to bed hungry tonight? Matthew’s Crossing offers three different hunger relief programs to help folks facing food insecurity.

Helen’s Hope Chest Mesa United Way created Helen’s Hope Chest to reduce the financial burden on foster and kinship families while creating a safe, welcoming, and dignified space for the children in their care. Helen’s Hope Chest offers a shop-by-appointment storefront where children in care come to pick out clothing, school supplies, and other basic needs free of cost.

Thank you for helping us make a difference for more Arizona families. We thank you in advance for your generous support.

Reflections: Legacy

This is the second in my “Reflections” series where I am sharing stories from my family. I am a Mexican-American Puerto Rican woman living in Arizona.

I wrote about my Mexican-American grandfather only receiving a second-grade education in my first post about my family’s experience. In that post, I mentioned that I didn’t know how long my Mexican grandmother had gone to school. I asked…it’s taken me a week to process her answer and write about it.

First – just a little more about US history. This is a very basic overview since I want to write a little more about my grandfather’s history before I write about my grandmother, and then circle back around to our place as Latinos in the school system. And really then, the place where all stories seem to end and begin: love.

So…Texas. My perception of Texas is derived from Texans…both my mom’s family and my husband’s family have Texas roots, and by all accounts it is, THE GREAT STATE OF TEXAS. Did you know that there are actually six United States in the continuous states to have been sovereign before they joined the Union? There is something missing from that last list…Do you know of another state was a recognized sovereign country? HERE is the answer.

So, Texas was once the Great Republic of Texas. Do you know where the land grant came from? If you guessed Mexico, you are correct. So, to continue the history of land appropriation…the Spanish took it from the Native Americans, and a group of invested US citizens took it from Mexico, established their own country, fought some battles, and declared themselves to be the ruling party. This is obviously over-simplified…HERE is a good place to go for the actual details. As you click on the sub-topics, more details get added to the timeline…not a surprise that it starts with Anglo perspective and adds in as you click…(sigh). At least they tell more of the story than you ever learned in school.

So my grandfather, who only got a second grade education, was a product of a segregated school system. There wasn’t even a pretense of “separate but equal”. The Mexican communities that were aggregated into the state were deemed inferior and unworthy of education. According to my grandfather, the schoolteacher sent to educate the Mexican children where he lived spent more time in the car with her boyfriend than she did teaching school. The state did not send a teacher back to his school after his completed second grade, so he started working the family business: agriculture.

I am unclear as to whether his younger siblings got an education. Teachers for the Mexican community may have been funded again after my grandfather started working. I will have to ask his remaining living brother who lives in Arizona to see what he remembers.

So back to my grandmother. When I asked her how long she went to school in Mexico, she answered, “Fifth grade”.

When I asked her why she stopped going to school, her answer floored me. Here it is, loosely translated. From now on, I am only asking her questions like this with a voice recorder so I can share her Spanish answer as well as the English translation:

No one told me to go to school. I was born after my mom turned forty. She was embarrassed to be so old and pregnant, and she didn’t love me. When my sister died in childbirth, she ignored me and didn’t bother with me ever again. I can’t remember who took me to school when I started. After fifth grade, I didn’t want to go back and no one made me, so that’s where schooling ended.

Even as I write it out today, seven days later, I am still moved to tears. I had our youngest child at 38. I would never even conceive of being embarrassed – I was so grateful to be pregnant again considering I was told I would never have children.

I cannot imagine how it is to grow as an unloved child. She had told me before that her mother was an absent mother, and that she had other children that she was more involved with, but I had never heard her say so clearly, “Mi mama no me quería”, which actually is deeper than not loved, it means, “not wanted”.

I chalk up her candid retelling to the loss of filter that I see happen when people age. It’s as if the elderly need people to hear their truth, instead of the more sugar-coated and comfortable re-written version they have been presenting to the world.

So I sat with that. I have friends and acquaintances who care for foster children. I have heard their stories and seen some of the trauma their children live with. The trauma of abandonment and being unloved is real. It is complicated, and it is deep. Then I sit with it and feel into it as a thread that weaves into our family. I know it is unfinished story, because I have heard the term spoken by some of my elders, and they have called themselves, “the black sheep”. The one that is outside, different, unseen, unloved.

Like all tapestries, there is more than one thread. So unloved and abandoned is one of them that weaves into the color of our blanket. Another one that has been woven into the fabric is education.

In spite of of their own shortcomings as parents and lovers, both of my grandparents decided early on in their relationship that their efforts were going to be turned to providing food and shelter for their family above all other wants, and ensuring that all of their children completed high school. For their time, it was rare for seven girls to stay in school past the age of 16 instead of getting jobs to help support the family.

Yet they held fast to their goal in spite of the comments from the extended family that the girls were being wasted by continuing to go to school. Of course, no one questioned that the son should finish high school. Of course he should go on and exceed the life of the parents. But the girls – blech. They were expected to be domestics, seamstresses, waitresses, cooks – whatever it was that was available to girls who quit schooling at 16 to help support the family.

My mom and my aunts suffered in school. They were made fun of because they wore home-made clothing. They were ridiculed because their lunch was made with beans and a tortilla instead of white bread (saving commentary on this for a future post on appropriation). The first set of sisters to go through school was teased about their accent because all of them were ESL students even though they had been born and raised in the United States. I need to ask when the older siblings started teaching the younger siblings English, because I don’t remember that all of them started as ESL students.

But they endured. I am so proud of them all for persisting through this otherness. All of them completed high school. And several went on to pursue college and beyond that, advanced degrees in administration and law.

And even though they weren’t perfect parents, and even though both of my grandparents have stories of being wronged by their family and feelings of being unloved, although indications are that the trauma persists… thank God they agreed that they would be a united front in insisting that their children had to be educated. In that education were sowed the seeds of possibility. All of them did more and became more than was typical for their time.

My mom graduated high school in 1967. I would hope that fifty years later, it wouldn’t be a big deal to see brown people in school. I wish that it wasn’t a reason for reaction when people to see us in school. I wish people weren’t still surprised that we could succeed in school.

I heard, and still hear the question, “How long have your people been in the country?” or when people hear me speak Spanish, “Where were you born?” As if my value as a human is going to be determined by the longevity of my ancestry (hmmlonger than yours, most likely invaders nonetheless) or my place of birth (California).

So how do we heal from the years of pitching people against each other as inferior or superior? How do we find a way forward from the hurt we inflict on each other?

I used to think that being colorblind was the goal. Our children have taught me that is wishful thinking. Children see everything, they notice everything, and they call me on my attempts to ignore the obvious. If I tell them, “A person isn’t ___, they’re human,” they are going to state the obvious, “Yes they are ___…they (obviously) look different than me”.

What might we strive for then, if it’s not colorblindness? I go back to an ancient word, “Namaste”. One of the ways it’s translated is: “The divine light in me sees and honors the divine light in you.”

What if we took that to heart? We are all “fearfully and wonderfully made”, to pull from another ancient text. If we believe that all of us are divine, intentioned to be here, then can we have more compassion? Can we wait and look someone in the eye, see them as another person, equally in their right to be in space with us, and then talk to them with a heart of love instead of speaking with fear?

I don’t know. I hope so. Lead with your heart and your light today. I would love to hear about how it goes. Maybe we can be the start of a new legacy: the world that rose from fire and lived with love.

Reflections

Part of my commitment to further the conversation about race relations is to speak on what I know about and inform those who follow my posts about what my family has experienced in the United States. These aren’t comfortable stories to talk about, otherwise those of you that have known me for longer than a year would have already heard them. I share them because I am being called to grow and because I am a teacher. I am also leaning into my desire to be a better storyteller. If something I share moves you or grows you in some way, then I am fulfilling my purpose.

If you are open to learning about the experiences of people who don’t look like you, please read on. If you are not there yet…I invite you to read and listen with your heart, as you are able, and if you feel called to do so. I invite thoughtful questions – i believe in learning from you, too. If you are abusive towards myself or my family, you can rest assured your comments will not be tolerated in this space offered as a learning space. Please go share them on your own blog or platform and start your own conversations rather than trying to hurt me.

So here goes…
On my mom’s side, one thread of our history is woven into the farming narrative. My mother and some of her sisters spent the early years of their lives as migrant workers. When they were little, they rode along in the truck. As they got older, they worked in the fields with their parents and were paid for their work.

Cesar Chavez is important to Arizona history, to our own family, and to the US farmworkers because the organization he co-founded improved the conditions, pay, and treatment of the people who were responsible for harvesting the commercially crops in our country.
United Farm Workers had a mission because the overwhelming majority of migrant farmers were not treated kindly by their employers. Harvesting is not easy work and considered “beneath” the desired position in society. From where I sit wondering why was this even a need that had to be met, my guess is that since the work was not valued as desirable, then the people willing to do it were even less so.

When the aunts who did migrant farming work were in elementary school, some days they started their days in the field, and then they went on to sit through a full day of school. There was no pre-school for them, other than that learning that happened as they worked in the earth. It’s not really a surprise then, that several of them are amazing gardeners and that love for growing has continued into my generation.

This was not the “let’s go work at the neighborhood/community garden and play at being farmers” variety of farming though. The crops I hear about when the stories are told is that my grandparents and aunts picked cotton, onions and potatoes. My grandmother also worked in rose farming. So we are talking labor intensive work, done by children…and I think they started working for pay when they were five years old. I may be wrong…one of them can kindly correct me if I am. And this isn’t “way back when”…they were child laborers only 75-ish years ago.

None of these are easy crops to harvest, and yet they did this because it’s the work that was available to them at that time. My grandfather only finished 2nd grade because the state of Texas did not believe in funding the “Mexican school” in his town. I’m (hopefully!) going to see my grandmother on Friday…I have a second point of learning to do. I don’t know what the highest grade of schooling was that she received in Mexico.

So – how does that feel? Did you know that children were working as laborers on commercial farms in the 1900s? Or did you think child labor ended when unions stood up for industrial workers? Did you know that the whole of the migrant community worked under inhumane conditions into the 1960s? Or did you think that all ended with the end of slavery?

Sadly, farm worker mistreatment continues today. Please take a moment to follow this link and learn more about a current situation between a strawberry farm and the workers happening now (Summer 2020): Laguna Farms dispute.

In Real Life

Hello, readers –

So this has been on my mind for a while. I feel like such a fake when people tell me I am so organized or I am so calm. Those things are true some of the time…definitely not an all the time thing.

I have tried to write about motherhood and grace and not being able to do it all on this blog. Yet, I had the nagging feeling it isn’t enough, because what people see in public is very pulled together. The truth is, I am just as big of a mess as all the other mothers who are just trying to float on top of the chaos that is real life with active children.

Our culture has sold us on the idea that we must be happy, be quiet and look good while somehow magically doing it all.  I am guilty of trying to live up to that expectation.  As I journey out of that stereotype, I want to be honest about the whole of me.

We seem to gravitate towards visuals on our devices…we believe what we see. So, I started a new account on Instagram called @irl_mother.

If you want to see what’s behind the organized calm front that goes out the door, please join me and know in your heart of hearts that no one truly has it all together.  Even the most “together” person has something they are hiding and they don’t want you to see…I want to show you my “behind the scenes” so that you can find some peace with yours.

I will be posting at least one IRL picture every day, and doing my part to break down the expectation that mothers must live up to some “fakebook” perfection. If you only like pretty faces on hazy white backdrops, then this account is not for you. If you want to know that you are not alone in your piles of laundry, the dirty dishes, the unswept floors and messy rooms, let’s hang out over on IG together.

Follow my new account on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/irl_mother/

 

A post shared by Krystyna Bowman (@irl_mother) on

A photo in my hiding place…the bathroom

Europe 2018 Fundraiser

Note from Puma, Night Owl, Charger and Otter:

We are embarking on an exciting adventure as a family in 2018.  All four of us are participating in a tour through Europe that will allow us to expand our horizons as we experience new cultures and languages. In addition to the educational opportunities, we will also be performing with our dance troupe, The Christian Dance Company, as we travel through several countries over the two-week trip in June.

Our Itinerary:

  • Zurich, Switzerland
  • Lucerne, Switzerland – Dance Performance
  • Zermatt, Switzerland
  • Venice, Italy – Dance Performance (on a raked stage!)
  • Salzburg, Austria – Dance Performance
  • Hallstatt, Austria
  • Cesky Krumlov, Czech Republic
  • Prague, Czech Republic – Dance Performance

To help us achieve our fundraising goal, we are reaching out to the our audience and  inviting you to sponsor us on our trip.

  • Puma is now 13 years old. She is the current Dance Masters of American National PAC Solo Winner, placing first in her 2017 age group (9-12 years old).  Night Owl is 10 years old.  He and Ysabella are the current Dance Masters of American National PAC Duo/Trio Winners, placing first in their 2017 age group (9-12 years old).  Charger is 8 years old.  Otter is 6 years old.  All four of us participated in our church talent show and are the winners for our performance of “When The Saints Go Marching In”.  If you would like to see us dancing, please email our mom and she would be happy to send you some private links to view us in action on stage: sweetpeafamilies@gmail.com

Image: JLeigh Photography

LOCALS:

There are three ways you can help us if you feel called to do so:

  • Save us your clear plastic bottles and aluminum cans. We will happily pick them up and trade you some home-baked cookies as a thank you for your collection efforts that we can sort and turn into cash. Text our mom when you are ready for a pick up (Krystyna cell: 602-684-6567).
  • Buy a World’s Finest Chocolate Bar from us – we are selling them on the last Sunday of the month at our church, or at our dance studio on Saturdays. Bars are $1/each and come in 5 flavors: Milk Chocolate, Dark Chocolate, Caramel, Crisp, and Almond. Text our mom for the address and let us know what to save for you (Krystyna cell: 602-684-6567).
  • Make a tax-deductible donation to our studio through The Christian Dance Company, as it is a 501(c)3 non-profit organization. Our dance director will earmark your donation towards our tuition for the Europe trip. Anyone who makes a tax-deductible donation will be listed on our sponsor tee-shirt that we wear as we travel through Europe.  Email our mom and she will send you the mailing address (sweetpeabirths@gmail.com).

OUT-OF-TOWN or BUSINESSES:

  • If we use your products already, we will make sure our audience knows it – we are not asking for free or discounted products. We will call you out on our social media as we travel across Europe rehearsing and traveling in your line of dance wear. We are on Instagram (@sweetpeafamilies), Twitter (@sweetpeafams), Facebook, and our mom will be blogging about our experience when we arrive home (www.sweetpeafamilies.com).
  • Your sponsorship can be made as a tax-deductible donation to “The Christian Dance Company”, a 501(c)3 non-profit organization at our studio. Our dance director will earmark your donation towards our tuition for the Europe trip. Email our mom and she will send you the mailing address (sweetpeabirths@gmail.com).
  • Our sponsors will be listed on our sponsor tee-shirt that we wear while travel through Europe. If you decide to be one of our sponsors, please email your logo, as well as a release form to print your logo, to our mom at: sweetpeabirths@gmail.com

 

Thank you in advance for your consideration.  We are looking forward to experiencing this trip together as a family, and we appreciate your support to make this an adventure to remember.

Getting our sillies out for our photographer, Nancy Hall from Still n Motion Picture Company. We promise not to post too many silly pictures from the road!!

The Short Story

I married an entrepreneur. I knew this going into our marriage. He happened to be in an upcycle when we met – his business was growing, he was moving and shaking, the business grew – it was sold – money was abundant.

There came a period of introspection. Learning. Trying something different. It was good – but it didn’t feed his soul. Sprinkled in there were little comments that we were living outside of our means. It didn’t click until I saw that his stress levels were going up the longer he financed our lifestyle.

A little sub-text in the story was the unbelievable election cycle in 2016. I had this nagging feeling we had to cut everything loose just in case we wanted to be free to go anywhere in the world. I knew it would be hard to walk away from our comfortable home if we had a mortgage on it.

Then one night,  I told him the craziest thing I never imagined saying: Let’s sell it all. Let’s get rid of all the burden so you can create again.

Even though it killed me to say it, and it took me a long time to get there, I said it. I meant it…I know that the creative spirit is bound by temporal things, and I couldn’t stand to see my husband unhappy.  I couldn’t imagine how to invest in a start-up while having to contend with all our bills. We sold our vacation home in the Rim Country, we sold our beautiful home in the metro area, we cut back on all the extras that were a luxury. Thankfully, we were still able to provide all the extra-curricular activities for our beloved Sweet Pea Kids.

As the Master Planner would have it, there was a job offer for a start-up in Boston that came along around that time – selling everything made sense. Then that offer didn’t come through as we had hoped, however we were still in a place of having the flexibility to do whatever we wanted to do for our family. There was serious talk about moving overseas after the election results. I was tying up loose ends, continuing the purge process, and researching different places we might want to travel with the children.

Then a new door opened.

“Whatever” came along about a month after my husband walked away from the Boston opportunity.  After he did a few months of business consulting, we are “all in”. There have been months of travel to a different city. Single-mom status during the week. Quick hellos between the crazy weekend schedule we keep. Slowly finding ways for him to be home more and travel less as the company moves it’s home-base to Phoenix.

We have also learned to appreciate abundance in all things – our good health, our loving family, making joyful memories, the time when all six of us enjoy a meal at the dining room table without having to be anywhere else.

And we are happy. We listened to the still, small voice that was telling us to let go and trust God with all our heart, all our soul, all our mind.  I am glad we listened. I can’t wait to see where we go next.

Here are some quotes that remind us why we embrace the entrepreneur lifestyle. And to borrow a line from baseball, “Don’t get too high, don’t get too low”.

Image credit ~
Penny Chenery Quote: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/514325219922902808/
Secretariat Image: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/343681015286631944/

World Kindness Day

This is a guest post submitted by Alexandria Heinz from FTD Florist.  I feel that the three images she shared go well with our commitment to attachment  parenting. The third image speaks to me of self-love, a practice that allows time for the “me” that needs to be honored in order to find the Peaceful Mama that we love and adore in our home.

Wishing you a beautiful day as you spread kindness in your corner of the world <3
~Krystyna

World Kindness Day is a beautiful day each year where people around the world set aside their differences and go out of their way to be kind to one another. This a perfect time to show your family how much they mean to you. This can be by simply setting aside an extra hour of the day to spend time with them or giving them random compliments.

To help inspire ways that you can spread kindness this November 13th, our friends over at FTD have compiled 30 of the best kindness quotes around. They even included a printable card that you can write your own message on! Enjoy.

kindness-quote-4kindness-quote-5kindness-quote-6

Finding Solutions

I keep waiting for life to get simpler.  We have downsized – we have simplified.  Or so I thought.

Then comes the last-minute rush to get out of the house and I realize that we really have a LONG way to go.

“Where is my (insert item here)?” 

“Who has seen my (I need it now here)?” 

“What do you mean you still haven’t packed your dinner or filled your water bottle?!?!”

 

It can become overwhelming.

One of the mantras we are working on that I have borrowed from the Birthing From Within classes that I mentor: NEXT BEST THING. It fits in with the idea of focusing on solutions instead of berating our children for not being ready…again.

What is the next best thing we can do in this situation?  Our answer has been to make a checklist so that we have a clear vision of what has to happen to get out of the house without anyone having a meltdown.

Puma and I are taking turns making “Get Out Of The House” checklists on our whiteboard.  This is going well when we use it.  We put it up the night before or in the morning.

Putting it up the night before lets them start getting used to the idea of planning ahead. And now, when the kiddos have break in during our homeschool day, they get to start working through their checklist. And then they can get back to playing when it’s not their turn with me.

IMG_8528-2.jpg

This is a Wednesday morning board – we are gone all day between their enrichment program and the dance studio; and soccer in this season!!

I am enjoying seeing Puma take charge of this project – I did the first two and she has pretty much taken over the rest. Every once in a while I get to sneak in a chart if I make it before she wakes up in the morning 🙂

It is great for each of the children to take some responsibility for their part in getting out of the house without anyone breaking down in tears, present party included. They can look at the board and figure out what they still need to do and have the pride of getting it done and checked off the list. I am a big fan of seeing them build self-esteem from personal accomplishment.

It helps me feel less overwhelmed, the “I have to do it all” feeling that I find self-defeating and pitiful. Having the markers right there on the board so each Sweet Pea can take charge of their destiny is amazing.  They help, I can take care of what I need to in a timely manner, and we are leaving early which makes our time-driven children VERY happy.

And who knows…if they take after their father and design the latest and greatest in software, they better get used to using whiteboards and dry-erase markers.  This is a good start!

Wordless Wednesday

Here is some fun from a Phoenix Zoo Trip with our SPB friends – we went to see the Dino In The Desert exhibit; plus the lions were putting on a show of their own!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We love early mornings @phoenixzoo – we got to hear the lions this morning 😍🦁

A post shared by Sweet Pea Families (@sweetpeafamilies) on

 

Parenting Forward

CLEANHOUSE

I recently met with a student who was having a hard time reconciling her mother’s instinct with the pressures from family and friends to parent in a more socially acceptable way.  We had a long, heartfelt talk, and here are some of the “heart-lights” we had that I want to share with you.

If nothing else, remember that you alone are responsible for your child.  You have to live with them, you alone will bear the joy and the guilt of all your decisions. Acknowledging and accepting that, know that trusting your instinct is right and worthy.

Parenting with the end goal in mind looks different than parenting decisions made for immediate behavior modification.  Yelling when it’s not an emergency, hitting, slapping, intimidation, etc., will probably get your child to stop doing what they are doing or get them to do what you want them to do against their will. Taking the time to think about why you are seeing this behavior, asking ourselves if there is a way to change their focus or solve a problem takes time…and if your child is having a full-blown public nuclear meltdown, it may activate our own issues with “being a good/bad parent” or attracting attention, or our stories about acceptance and rejection.

It can be so hard to parent what I call the “long way” when your child is acting out. It is much easier to bargain, bribe, or force the outcome that is easiest in the short term.  Going the long way means letting them cry or tantrum in public, taking the time to ask questions and listen to your child, try to figure out exactly what they need or find a solution, and then patiently see it through so that interactions are loving and peaceful. It may mean changing our plans and trying again another day.

Speaking specifically to the times when our children get loud, the goal of parent intervention is to stop the tears or the tantrum.  We have stories deeply ingrained in our culture about parents who can’t control their children, and therein lies one of the problems. It is a mindful decision to treat them as little humans with their own set of feelings and desires, instead of chattel to control or do our will.

In my mind, the first thing we can examine as a culture is this idea of needing to control children.  Why not start with changing the paradigm? Instead of “children that behave” why not shift the focus to “adults that can make decisions”? It means acknowledging that children are human beings that are going to need to learn to navigate life, with all its ups and downs.

When we start to parent with the idea that our children need to be equipped to be whole, loving, and capable humans when they leave our home, it may drastically change the reasons why we chose to do or not to do when the time comes to teach them the lessons that come with the situations that challenge them.  With that mind, it gives us permission to parent them per what we feel is best for them. Each child is ready for different milestones at different times.

Here are some of the different areas of disagreement with heart-led parenting versus socially-based parenting that came up in our discussion.

Sleep:
Some children are ready to sleep on their own before they are a year old, other children need the warmth and comfort of a parent or sibling into early childhood or the elementary years. Would it help you to know that in other cultures, they consider our practice of tucking children in to sleep by themselves is considered neglectful and sad for the child? Read THIS article or THIS article by Dr. James McKenna on The Natural Child Project site, and THIS one on Fatherly.com (warning: the title is a bit abrasive).

Breastfeeding:
Oh the places you could go with this topic.  Here is the information on the side of extended breastfeeding if that is your choice…

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that all children are breastfed at least until 6 months old, and to continue breastfeeding after that point – link HERE.

Drs. Melissa Bartick and Arnold Reinhold published a STUDY in March 2010 with these findings: If 90% of new mothers in the USA were breastfed just to the six-month mark, it would save $13 billion in healthcare and other costs – read more about that HERE

The World Health Organization recommends breastfeeding until a child is two years old…really!! Read their statement HERE

So there are three huge pros in your corner if you want to breastfeed, and continue past the 12-month “normal”.  I hope you are encouraged to follow your own rhythm when it comes to breastfeeding your Sweet Pea.

Food:
This is the age of mindful eating. We know there are inflammatory foods (list HERE), we know the benefits of probiotics (links HERE and HERE), we know that when offered healthy food,  children will eat it (read THIS fascinating study).  It is okay to trust that if you consistently put healthy choices in front of your child, they will not starve, and they will eat healthy food.

So what if you don’t eat out at fast food restaurants, or it takes you five minutes to place your child’s order at a restaurant? You alone are your child’s advocate until they know what is good for them and know how to place their own order.  And you will be so proud of seeing their healthy food choices and their awesome physical health when you see how they compare to their peers.  They will spend more time in the classroom and less time in the doctor’s office when they eat healthy, whole food.  It is worth it!!

Behavior modification:
Another loaded discussion.  I would invite you to trust your mama bear instinct here.  Also, try to address your own hang-ups about being a “good” parent and/or giving and receiving love.

This came roaring to a head for us when Otter was three years old.  She went through this phase of hitting me when she was angry…and one day when I was tired and worn down and I couldn’t believe what came out of my mouth, “When you hit me, it makes me feel like you don’t love me.”  That came from a deep and old place, a story that I had from my past. It validated why I do not want to hit our children, and made me even more dedicated to the theory of “gentle parenting”.

Here are some of my favorite parenting resources for you to explore:

Laura Markham – aha! parenting – gentle parenting resource

Janet Lansbury – gentle parenting resource

L.R. Knost – Little Hearts – gentle parenting resource

Positive Discipline – great ideas to help set boundaries and keep them without intimidation

Five Love Languages – discover what moves your family members, and then love them the way that speaks to their heart

 

What are your thoughts?  What are other areas you feel heart-led about and you find hard to talk about or outright disagreements with your family or friends?